… soon I’m pulling the plug or, I guess, it will be pulled for me.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Impoving one’s job situation in academia is like blindfolded running into the wall over and over hoping to hit the door. Not only do you beat yourself bloody as you keep missing the door frame, it also turns out that the door is only opened if you know someone on the inside. 

Today I was informed that once again I hit the wall to a door that would never have opened to me. Once again, sidelined by someone significantly more junior on the premise “they fit better”.

While rejection really sucks, what sucks more is all the hours, weeks and months that goes into the preparation of that rejection. What is the point of wasting so much time and effort only for you to be forced to graciously thank someone who essentially tells you you are not “good enough”?

Yet, as the grant writing season starts again with my final year to run into this bloody wall, I am tying my running shoes and adjusting my blindfold. Perhaps I learned something last time, or perhaps the impact finally finishes me off. So, one final run before I pull the plug and find something more meaningful to do, like breathing, with whatever scraps of flesh and mind that survives the inevitable impact.